blueyedmanneqin

an update i guess

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 07:50:25 GMT

What I went through/did now just kind of seems like a bad dream and that it isn't connected to me. I do feel guilty... but what can you do? It had to be done. It simply did.

Work guy kissed me the other night when we were drinking. He is dating his girl now and we are no longer hooking up. Which is for the best I suppose, I was getting a little attached, at least to the notion that I'd end up at his house a couple times a week, if not him as deeply as I've been attached to others in the past. But seeing him at work/after work is tough because we are still attracted to eachother and there is obvious tension... but I don't want to do anything and he doesn't want to either now that he is legitimately with someone... but I miss the comfort and ease, I really do.

I went a little over three weeks without seeing Matt. The last time I'd seen him was truly an amazing evening/night... so I was pretty sad I hadn't heard from him... but that is just the way things are so eventually I caved and called him and we hung out last night. I'm sad to say I was already a bit drunk by the time we met up, but it was still GREAT to see him like always, and I stayed at his house. As much as it sucks, I am (because I have to be) okay with whatever we are doing. We are close, there is no denying that, but he isn't going to be my boyfriend. I really wish he would, but the allure might not be there then. Who knows. He just really makes me feel alive and connected and I've just never felt that away about anyone. Too bad we are both neurotic about relationships... and too bad I have to make the effort that a guy should be putting in... but oh well. It hurts, and it sucks, but it also has given me some of the best times of my life... so fuck it.

I just found out my roommate is moving out and not planning on going abroad with me as she was originally because she is moving in with her bf who I really don't like and find to be ridiculously self-absorbed. We've lost all of our closeness over the past few months since we have both been so busy... her with him and me with other ridiculousness. I do miss her, but I really don't see her as the same friend as I did before. But I had kind of a crisis when I figured out she was moving out, and really didn't know what to do. But... I pulled myself together and decided I'm going to apply to a teaching english program directly in Berlin for the summer. Same idea that we had (doing one in Prague) but I'll be where I want to be right from the get go. It's still scary, and I'll still not know if I can sustain myself going in, but whatever. I'm going to do it. I am going to apply this week and put my deposit down and then I can't not go.

I don't know. I'm writing a lot in my journal, clearly not in here. I just finished an essay writing class and it was awesome to be around writer's again. I'm just serving and as much as I enjoy it, and have met a lot of good people through it, I'm not satisfied. I'm going to take a poetry class in January and try to volunteer teaching english somewhere here in Minneapolis. I have to get things going. I've definately been having breakdowns... but I really need to move forward, and I think I slowly slowly slowly am.

It was nice to never be sleeping in my own bed more than three or four nights a week for so long... but I think that is over for now. I'm trying to accept it. If I can see him even once a week I think I can sustain. IDK. I'm lame.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 08:02:17 GMT

Ugh. There is not much going right. Fuck holiday cheer.

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 01:50:35 GMT

Crap. I didn't escape unscathed. I'm fucked.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:35:00 GMT

I'm not strong enough for this. I haven't stopped and really gave myself time to think the past couple months and I am so fucked. It is all about illusion and I want you to care so much, and sometimes I can't help but think you do. And I know, one time of not hearing doesn't neccesarily mean anything, especially in you speak. But my stupid little girl heart gets so crushed every time because I don't understand how I can care about you so much and you can say the things you do and look at me that way and then do things that you know will honestly make me feel hopeless. "I'll get over it." As you so cutely would remark, probably will remark in my presence again. You aren't using me in the typical way .. I don't know.

I hate feeling like this because I really don't think it is wrong of me. People don't talk like we do, or spend hours doing what we do when it doesn't mean something. I'm sorry. They don't. My walls and yours are different, and I wish I could hate you. Sometimes.

But I'll probalby call or text you before you do and that makes me weak, but I don't even care because seeing you is one of the very few things that makes me feel alive. I hate how this sounds.

But you are amazing and make me feel so accordingly. I miss you. And right now, just now, maybe I do hate you a little bit.

But I hate a million things now and I don't want to be here. How did I let things get this way? I let myself get carried away -- and I can't do that. I just can't.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:37:31 GMT

I'm too drunk right now to sleep and I can't explain this. I am happy, but also sad and contemplative. I love you. Your voice. This voice. I know it is ridiculous but I am living. Your sheets, blankets. It is you I want and not him. But he makes me feel alluring at the least. Ah. So many people.

I love this band.

I want you though. Hope to see you in a couple days. I want to tell you how I feel. I might now. But I'll look at you and it should be obvious.

Cosmic Love.

I love you. I do.

And him maybe. And him.

I exist. That is the point. I have to keep existing.

I'm worth it. My words are meaningul.

LIfe is painful. But pain is beauty, I think. I promise. I hope.

Let me sleep cause I need it to be Wednesday.

Happiness hit her like a train on a track. Coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back.

She hid around corners and she hid under beds. She killed it with kisses and for all that she fled.

Give me you.

My mind is racing and I wish one of you were here to hold..

these hours make the days bearable.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:50:22 GMT

I just had coffee with Matt. Sigh -- why is it so amazing just to talk to him for a couple hours? He makes me feel like it is okay to be me. And he makes me laugh, and really smile. And I feel like even though he is wearing armor I could create a chink in it. Or maybe have. I don't know. But it is so much better than before. I don't need to drink to feel comfortable around him. And I feel like I am interesting enough to hold his attention for hours and for someone who proclaims that most people bore him (as I would agree) this is a good thing. I love his face, and I love his voice, and I love his ridiculous height. (He is like 6'7 and I'm 5'1). Anyway.

All I can wish is that I make his heart jump a little bit the way he does mine. I think he is going to keep me constantly wishing and perhaps never give in enough to give me what I want... but it's something. Always something.

If I were to ask a magic 8 ball if I was being stupid...

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:25:25 GMT

It would say: most likely yes.

Hung out after work with people and ended up back at his house again. We were there with a bunch of people... well like three other work people ... hanging out being ridiculous until 5am I think. Then I asked him to borrow some pajama pants and if I could sleep in his bed. We had sex.... twice. It was intense. I actually let myself go... don't normally.. he was smiling and it was really adoreable.

This morning was only slightly awkward though. We still were cuddly, but he seemed kind of antsy. So I felt kind of weird/bad about that. But it can't be perfectly cute all the time I guess... I'm sure he feels guilty about it sometimes waking up next to me and not her. This situation is just.. probably going to end up badly. There is another guy at work who is his best friend who has been really intersted in me since I started working there in late June. He doesn't approve of our hooking up and I think is kind of hurt by it.. which makes me feel bad because I'm actually pretty good friends with him. He was there last night too. It has to be getting obvious that I always stay there after nights with the work crew. But I don't really care about that. I'm not sure what I care about. I feel like an intense attraction and I'm just kind of forgetting everything else. But I'm not really being a good person and I'm sure I'm going to get hurt.. eventually. I mean one morning of slightly less cuddling and my head is already on overdrive.. I just don't want to be a regret is all. And I don't want to feel like a slut, either, who screws other people's boyfriends without remorse. They aren't techincally dating, so it's okay.. right?

it snowed yesterday morning.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 17:03:34 GMT

So yesterday morning my catching of 11:11 was done from the comfort of work guy's amazing cuddling strong hold. He's really good at cuddling, which I appreciate since the situation is pretty fuzzy. We did the usual after work Thursday -- bowling, drinking, attempting to watch a movie but hooking up instead. Eeep. Then in the morning we went and got lunch at this nice cafe place per his suggestion. So that was nice. It sucks because I actually do like him a bit and he definately doesn't treat me like just a drunk hook-up. I mean we see eachother too often for that and I think genuinely enjoy working together and whatever. He is super cuddly in the mornings and kisses my neck and stuff. But still... the situation is really weird. I am wondering how many people at work know... a couple for sure, but it isn't something we advertise. Which maybe makes it more exciting. I'm not sure. And it isn't ever "planned".. it just kind of happens. Sigh. He is 21 also... only a few months older than my brother but he doesn't act like it.

I miss Matt though. Hope to see him in the next couple days. I wish I just saw him more and I didn't have to wait for him to call or decide when I should call him. I mean I work like 4-5 nights a week so it isn't like I could that often... but still.

fall is the time to fall

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:40:46 GMT

I've had an interesting week. I've worked the past five nights and work again tonight and it has been really busy, so I'm extremely sore and tired. I hooked up with that guy from work again on Thursday. It was sort of the same story. We were drinking together at work and we are definately attracted to eachother. So he had some people over and he kissed me in his room before they even left. For the next thirty mins or however long it took for people to leave all I could think about was kissing him. Eep. As soon as they left we kind of jumped on eachother.. he played me a song on acoustic guitar that he wrote, sang, and played the harmonica strap thing... basically my porn. We slept togehter. Then cuddled, fell asleep, and cuddled a bit in the morning. But it is completely ridiculous because he is seeing someone who lives just an hour and a half away, and she came that night and stayed the weekend. So we see eachother intermittenly at work and kind of flirt or whatever (it isn't weird between us for the most part) and we just kind of smile knowing we've had sex.... and I am not letting myself actually like him, but I easily could. He is a really cool guy. I mean I don't feel used.. he is really sweet... but then when you look at the facts... I guess I'm kind of like the other woman. I don't know. It doesn't happen often. Only twice so far, and there was a two week span in between. I think we are really just attracted severly to eachother but since there is someone else involved both know we can't pursue anything. But we see eachother so often it is hard.

On Friday, I was sleeping off the night before and Matt calls. (I may as well just say his name, he is the one I really, truly like and have for months now who I'd randomly ran into about a week before and he had stayed over (no sex).) He asked me to go get coffee and we did for about an hour before I had to go to work. It was really fun and refreshing. Like the time I'd run into him before and we just hung out for the entire night. It used to be that I'd see him all the time at my old house and we'd probably be drinking or whatever or it always was kind of awkward because all of my roommates were around. But Friday we just talked soberly and he commented on my haircut and it was just all around nice. After we hugged goodbye I asked what he was doing Sunday and we made plans to get together because I worked Friday and Saturday nights. So Sunday, I call him after work and we go to the grocery store and he gets bread, cheese, and fruit and we have a bottle of wine and play scrabble and listen to the current. It was so fun. Then we cuddled to a movie and fell asleep. The only thing that is frustrating is we have only slept together wasted and I like him so so so much that really I want to with him for the simple reason that it would actually be meaningful. But he is so so so full of defenses, which is why we relate so well I think, that he really doesn't try anything ever. And it is super hard for me to unless I am drunk. But, I know it isn't a bad thing that we aren't. I just want to. Because I like him, and am so drawn to him. But I think we are getting actually comfortable around eachother. I mean we were before too. We have a connection that can't be denied. But before there was all this stuff going on around us I guess... now when we hang out it can be just us and it seems he is warming to the idea of not being so afraid of liking me. If that makes sense. I have no delusions that we'll become an actual "item" I don't think because he doesn't really do that, for now at least, but if we can see eachother and spend time together it will make my life a lot easier. He makes me feel like I'm not crazy and that my view of the world is just informed. We are both cynical but also idealistic. We feel like we don't quite fit, but that we should be the ones that do. If that makes sense. Anyway. I just like him and am super glad we are talking again.

So yeah... that is what is up guy-wise. It really amounts to nothing because most nights I sleep by myself, but when I don't, I feel really comfortable with both these options. And then crave them after. Same old story but at least I feel connections to the people I am into now.

synchronicity

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:45:34 GMT

Sigh. Who would have thought that walking into my usual coffee shop I would have seen him sitting there. It had been a month, perhaps a little more. We talked for a couple hours there, got food, drank some wine at my place, listened to music and looked up videos on last fm for one of our favorite songs, walked around Minneapolis in the rain, watched high fidelty and I fell asleep in his arms listening to the rain. It was so good to see him and so bittersweet. I still can't believe it really. I wasn't sure if I'd see him again, and then he was just there... and we spent the next 20-ish hours together. It is so irritating that he has so many defenses he won't try anything that could be so good.

But just talking to him makes things seem okay in the sense that someone really gets it. Ugh. I know I'm going to be down about this later, but it always feels so right when we are together. And it also fits perfectly into the philosophy of whatever we have that we just ran into eachother randomly and ended up catching up in the way we did. He's beautiful and makes me feel alive.

Fuck.

oops, I did it again.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 08:01:58 GMT

I slept with someone from work last night that I've been attracted to for a while, but that I never thought would get to that point. He is sort of in a long distance relationship and it probably shouldn't have happened. Although it happened drunk, we laid in his bed for about 5 hours this morning/afternoon and listened to Bob Dylan and cuddled and kissed (soberly). It was nice. But not real. I should really stop doing things with people that are either taken, or not into me. But those are the only ones I could let myself. Frick. I see him at work tomorrow.. I really don't want it to be weird.

I know... I'm a lame emo chick.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 21:21:16 GMT

I had a different guy sleep in my bed on Thursday, Saturday and Monday nights. Thursday and Monday were tame and random, Saturday a bit more risque. But none of them were him . I don't think he exists anymore. But I'm not over what he was never into.

I am not sure if it is just the change of season, but I'm more depressed than I've been in a while. But what is a while? I say this shit all the time. But it is lasting this time. I just feel really empty, irritated, tired, lonely and hopeless. Even though I'm working more, I'm not really drinking less, and I wake up feeling like crap. Something has to change, but being sober is too hard. Seriously, what am I doing?

I truly feel like I am just playing make-believe and everyone I know is just a character in my game. But that the pieces I truly want, and could help me make it to the finish line, are missing. And never coming back.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:19:48 GMT

I'm really crabby; I hope it passes.

homesick for a place that doesn't exist

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:26:18 GMT

I feel sad and lost. I am so bad at dealing with change. I started crying after watching Garden State this morning. I want a home, too. I keep clawing after something that really isn't good for me to claw after in any way. I held out for a couple weeks but then found some excuse. But it didn't end up happening anyway. Why is it that the people who make the least effort and show the least interest are the only ones I can think about? There is someone else right under my nose who clearly cares and I just can't see him that way.

Ihml.

validation vs. value

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 23:00:19 GMT

I have been trading in typing on a keyboard for writing with a pen. As of the present, I don't see or feel the need to repost the complete entries in here, but this sentence I just wrote sticks out as something worthy of repeating.

I don't know how to feel valueable without the validation.

This, dear self, is the crux of the matter. It is flawed, I know. But at the same time, those who profess to need no outside validation, seem to get it at every turn, so how would they know?

Right.

a start of a catch-up

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:14:07 GMT

I would like to blame the fact that I am not writing in this journal on the fact that I don't have internet in my new abode yet, but that has only been a week, and it appears the entire end of the summer I only wrote a handful of times. It just seems so overwhelming to document my life. But I should; I really should. Perhaps categories will help.

Living situation change

This is a big one. I've obviously alluded a lot to the situation I lived in over the past year. It really came out of nowhere and changed me and my surroundings so much. At the end of August last year, I was originally planning on moving to Chicago for no real reason other than being obsessed with needing a change. I'd graduated six months earlier and was still living on campus, and knew that if I wasn't in Germany, I needed to move somewhere else at the very least. But money just wasn't there, and I knew deep down that as cool as Chicago is, I should probably just hold out on moving until it could be abroad. So I decided to move to uptown. I'd always really liked it, and felt like it was more my style than campus. So I craigslisted religiously and checked out a few places. Ended up picking one with a couple girls who at the time I thought seemed nice, but not super outgoing. (I was so wrong.) It was a little out of my price range, but the location was good and it had a really sweet porch. (Oh... the porch.) Anyway. The first few months were kind of hard. There was some boy drama with a guy who stayed in our living room a while and eventually moved into one of the rooms when one of the original girls moved out. We had a sort of thing for a couple weeks and it was weird because he was staying.in.our.living.room. Then he met another girl and kind of just dropped me. But he was staying.in.our.living.room. So I had to get used to that. And it took a while because it was just awkward, but then I couldn't believe I'd ever been into him, so it was fine.

But this made the first few months weird. I think I have some form of social anxiety so after all that happened I kind of withdrew from hanging out around my roommates that much. I just felt weird. So when I wasn't working I was either out of the house, or in my room. This lasted for a few months and kind of sucked. Then, after I went to NYC to interview for an internship that would have landed me in Berlin this summer and failed miserably at my German interview, I started to drink a LOT and kept coming home crying and confessing to my roommates how awkward I felt and stupid stuff like they didn't like me and blah blah blah. Around this time, my girl roommate's boyfriend moved in. He is a really outgoing/including type of personality so he talked to me a lot and sort of brought me into everything and then I was just a part of it all. We were the house where there were always people over. We had a huge dining room and living room and an amazing private porch. So I met all of the people (a group of about six or seven people) that were this group of my roommate's good friends and started seeing them if not everyday, at least 3-4 times a week. And it was always ridiculous. Always drinking. Started smoking cigarettes because they always did, etc. Whenever I'd come home from work, there'd be people over. Any night I wasn't out, there'd be people over, etc. Sometimes it was hard, and I can have a tendency to want to hide. But I really became comfortable having a decent size social network. It became routine, and I stopped feeling like I was just circumstantially there, and started to feel like I was part of this group. Through Laura and Drew, the couple that lived in the house, I met quite a few guys who I cuddled, made out, or (just one) slept with. The one I slept with I really really came to like. (He is the one I have been alluding to for months on here.) It was just this weird thing where he was over (or I saw him somewhere through this group) all the time. He and his roommate always had people from this group over too and they lived on the same street just 10 blocks up. We spent a lot of nights on the futon just watching movies and talking. But rarely hooked up. He is a weird guy. He doesn't really "date". He is too independent. He has one ex girlfriend he is still sort of hung up on. But he is ridiculously intelligent and I am more attracted to him than I have been to anyone since Bryce. I think we really get eachother, but I know we'd never be together. I just came to appreciate the fact that he made me feel something again (even if it was pining) and that the times we did spend alone together were really nice. We shared books, music, things like that. Over the past month, it started to be a little more of something. We hooked up a couple times, and I stayed at his house a few more. He actually asked me to hang out a few times (normally it was just circumstantial so this never happened) and we talked more. I even ended up at his parents one night in suburbia and sleeping with him in their bed.... and then hanging out the next day and looking at childhood pictures of him. It was really cool. But hard because I know that he'd never be a "boyfriend" in any way. But I don't regret getting close to him. Now... I haven't really talked to him since I moved and it's sad. I know so much of it, even though it was very real, was based on the fact that we were in proximity so often. I'm sure I could call and see what he was up to, but I am sort of afraid to. I know I'll see him again at some point, but I miss the anxiousness of wondering if he'd be over when I came home from work, or just the possiblity that more often then not he would be and we'd have our moments. Ugh. I really want to see him again. But it will probably be weird, and who knows when it will be.

I also just miss all of that in general. I did see Laura and Drew once this week, but it is just different.. ya know. So where I am now . My friend Tresa and I are splitting a one bedroom to save money. They are allowing us to do month-to-month which is great because we are planning on doing a teaching english program in Prague, but not sure exactly when. We should have left at the end of August, but I lost my job in May and it has taken me this long to start catching up. She might go sooner than me which is sad; I hope she holds out. I know I need a few more months at the very least... and if I was smart, I'd probably wait even more, but I am so antsy. I am so tired of serving and so ready to be "doing something" again. The place is smaller and my bedroom is in the living room so I don't have a door. It is different only having one roommate. I love her, so it is good. But I do miss my old place so so so much. I feel like everything has changed in a week. It is only like six blocks from where I was... but it feels like a completly different neighborhood. It isn't... it's still part of the uptown neighborhood... but different. I'm not a stones throw from my Lyndale bars anymore. :( I fell so in love with the place and area I was in before... sigh.

Yeah, well that was a start. But time to leave the coffee shop. Hopefully I'll have internet at home soon.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 20:01:54 GMT

Yeah I definitely gave myself an ulcer this year... just by being me. I'm 24... this does not bode well!

iamsonotsurehowtodothis

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 09:25:42 GMT

This is going to need to be expanded on later. But it's 4am and I am feeling quite engulfed in an ending. This is an ending. A year. An insane year. Coming to a close. I don't know what to expect. All I know is it will be different. I hated this at first. But I really came to love it. I don't think I ever fit. But I did. I became a fixture just like everyone else. I really hate endings. Change, as much as I crave you, you eat out my insides and make me feel like life is ending. Dramatic.

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 08:57:56 GMT

I'm so awkward and I'm just not sure if it works or not.

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 09:07:19 GMT

So last night he called and asked what I was up to. And ended up coming over with a bottle of wine and we watched a movie and fell asleep on the futon. And it was nice and what it always is: nothing, but something.

And then he called again tonight when I was out at a bar and said he was having people over. I said, ok well if you can pick me up at this bar I'll come. He did. So I went over there. And he was kind of distant. And then just went to his room, after we were all hanging out with the crowd a bit. So eventually I went in there to see what was up and felt quite unwanted. So I walked home in the rain (just 12ish blocks) by myself. But point being, I know it is complicated. And I don't expect that he is in love with me or anything. But he is the one that seems to want to be hanging out. And then he just doesn't.

It's raining and the rain gets it. And I don't apparently. But I'm sorry. I didn't ask you to ask me to come over. And I didn't jump on you. I just wanted to hang out at your house when you asked me to come over.... my bad? It has been so many months of this hot and cold and we share books and looks and whatever.

Why does this happen to me...? 96 heartbeats.

when it rains; it pours

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 18:36:51 GMT

I've went on a few dates (I think they are dates) with a very nice/cute/sweet christian boy. I think I really like him, but I also know that he might not really "do relationships" because of the God thing. But he seems to be interested and think I'm cute, so I don't know how that is going to end up.

We went to a movie spontaneously yesterday and then got some food and a couple martinis. It was nice. And innocent.

Then I went out and ended up having sex with the guy I've been pining over for months that is always around/over/have intense convos with. That was nice as well. But I'm sure the thoughts are going to start rolling in about that.

Bad person?

Can't believe it's tomorrow already.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 19:51:00 GMT

So I'm going to the 10,000 lakes festival tomorrow until Sunday. Really excited. Sort of anxious. Totally curious. Alex is coming tonight and we are going to a Jenny Lewis (of rilo kiley) show. Holy crap. She introduced me to them 3 years ago so this is perfect timing! There is some other stuff going on. I think I like someone, but I don't think it can work. Nothing new there. Although this time it is different.

Alright, here's to hoping I don't die of dehydration or experimentation.

Woooooooooo.

thoughts

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 05:46:48 GMT

Silence is something I both fear and crave. My throat is dry and scratchy from words unscreamed. But once those formulated sounds are uttered, they can't be taken back. In a sick twist of fate, the same formulated sounds unuttered can't be given away. They can dim with time, or perhaps even be forgotten with age, but they will never disappear completely. Imprisoned between skull and gray matter, they don't decay -- just thrive. Is there a purpose to a thought unspoken? Is there really a reason to lock it away and chip at it until it morphs into something else? Probably. I'm sure there is. But if the vast majority of a life is lived within the mind, then what is the purpose of love? Love can take a dangerous thought and throw a sheet over it, but it can also give a slew of sleeping thoughts a reason to wake from their slumber. But what is sleep if not a rejuvenation of sorts? Those slumbering evaluations of situations were lying it wait all along, just yearning to be set free. Insecurities and desires trapped behind a guise of impatience and discontent. If being numb isn't really living, then what worth is there in being so attune to the ebb and flow of everything? Ebbing and flowing we wander as time passes. A second, a minute, an hour, a day, a month, a year. All potentially arbitrary units of measurement. But each one a unit that brings us closer to the end. An end we can't be sure of when we'll face, but an end we can sure as hell be sure that we'll be facing. All we can hope for is that we'll leave some kind of mark on someone or something. It doesn't need to be measureable or grand, just temporarily real.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 07:41:13 GMT

So basically now I live with three couples. Awesome.

tired

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 22:25:53 GMT

Wow. Last night was night five in a binge. I feel so out of it today. There is always something going on and for some reason I never give myself a break from my break. I am only working like two days a week so all I do is alter my brain chemistry. Ugh.

Last couple nights I talked/hung out with the guy I used to/really still do probably but realize it is fruitless like. It was good to get some things out in the open. He hadn't been around for probably almost a month. I stayed at his house last night, but nothing happened, per usual. He always carries a notebook around even to bars. So last night I took up two pages in a drunken scribbling. I would like to reread it now... I wonder what he'll think. Pretty sure I alluded to a lot of things. But that is pretty much what our relationship is, alluding to our relationship but not actually having one. Make sense? Who knows.

We walked back from The Nomad last night (probably a 45 min walk or so) and I made him lay on an underpass thingie with me. I'm lame. It isn't that I force moments. I just want to have them and it seemed fitting. We came back here and I asked if I could go back with him (it's 10 blocks up). He rode his bike (well glided around me) and I tried to walk fast. I'm sore today and definately have some marks from my sandals digging into my feet. He turned on Once and fell asleep within like four minutes. I wanted to kiss him. But didn't.

I went on a couple dates with another guy who I think got freaked out by my honesty. Go figure. He'd also just gotten out of a 1.5 year relationship at the very end of May; I thought it had been longer since. We got to the cutesy stage pretty quick and were going to do something on the 4th, but I think he got weirded out after we talked about his ex. Weird situation. Not sure if anything will happen with that, which kind of sucks because it was fun and nice.

I think I need a new type. But I like my type. Which is why they are my type. But it is always writers/musicians/people who also overthink. Doesn't seem to be working.

I still like this other guy and life still brings him my way. But I just know I'll never have what I want with him. But I still find him amazing.

10klf in two weeks!